The relationship tag

When meeting someone you are very attracted to and you know something will come of you both; you both might have thoughts of long-term commitments and possibilities, yet optimally wouldn’t it be a good idea just to be friends? It is so much more exciting to discover the other person’s personality through that prism. When it comes to participating in emotional and sexual intercourse too, it is preferable not to have the weight of the flower arbours of marriage already on your mind.
I met this girl, we got on incredibly. She made the mistake of insinuating marriage on the third day we’d met. I mean it was very sweet and touching, though it made me do things I might not have done otherwise, and put a certain pressure on us that I would have rather spread over getting to know each other and bedding-in. The difficult part for her perhaps was that I was her friend’s lover, but very casual and with no commitment.
This girl was my dream in terms of wit, sexiness, fun, intelligence and goof, yet some things really got in the way and crashed the possibilities we had of a fair chance at courtship. It would have been so much easier just to set the bar at friendship. She would have needed to disregard her fidelity to her friend perhaps, gradually, or just told her friend that she was adamant.
I made all the mistakes too, I am not blameless and acted like a twit, because it was all lined-up incorrectly for me and I just went for it. Anyway, I guess you learn to be more distant in courtships like that, but you can’t ever talk in advance of things and things happen and circumstances are not right. We still love each other, but it is almost as though we are more and more stigmatized by what has happened and it becomes an ever greater obstacle.
If I were to be the sole power in charge of it I would consciously revert it to a friendship with no expectations and see what happens. She would rather live in the shadow of our undying love, with no physical contact.
Of course this latter stance is beautiful too, but it is not very appropriate for a male always to be in that shadow, since my active principal is quite strong.

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The relationship tag

Hey, dick farce!

You know that I love you, I know you feel it, you know I regret we can’t be together to go to the Tate Modern on days like this, so have an ice-cream by the Thames, to fuck all afternoon, and make each other special things like dinner and glasses of your favorite Rosé. You know I’m really pissed-off about that. You know I’d do anything to get you.

 

But also now we have to factor in that I’m married, and that in a way that was what I had to do to get over us, the carcrash aspect of us. Why that all happened is because I was in a different place to you that’s all. But I miss what we never had.

I don’t know if you’ll want to be lovers. The other woman as you say. I kind of did it too, because the first time we met you said you were in an affair with a married man, and of course it was complete BS, so I enacted what you professed.

It’s up to you lovey.

 

Hey, dick farce!

The current situation

My current situation is that I recently got married to a friend of mine. A great person and one with whom things seem to work, although she is a bit older than me, and lets say that I’m not completely in a relationship of attraction with her, but we get on fine and have some great times together too.

SO you might well ask “Why did you get married?”

It is a long story, and one which I will endeavour to explain.

I work in a town where I have no peer-group friends, and I thought I’d be strong enough not to let that bother me, but the job which I love is also quite attritional emotionally and basically I found myself floundering and with some sort of emptiness a few years ago. That was when I decided to buy a house here, instead on renting. In essence, I decided to make a go of it here, and subsequently started investing my life more and more into my infrastructure to make it happen. So I bought a house, and that seemed to be the right move.

Maybe a year later I met some old school friends, at first just an old flame, an ex-lover really. More of a friend than a lover. We hung-out and traveled a bit and then she introduced me to the friend of hers who was also the owner of the flat where she was staying. We had a party. At the party Carys and I really got on well due to us being alike in some ways. We kissed and ended-up in each others’ arms without even thinking without really thinking about it. It was a very fluid attraction, and more than we could control, or wanted to control. The only hitch was that Harriet was jealous, could see what was going on.

I fell in love with Carys, Carys said some very nice things to me when Harriet was out of ear-shot. I was very happy about this. My life was at loose-ends; I can say that I felt a bit insecure generally, and the hope of a relationship was great, especially since it had happened so freely. The mistake that I made was that I went on what Carys told me and started telling Harriet that I was in love, wanted to see Carys, and started texting Carys too much. Carys would answer initially, then less and less. I was being a pest and also just assumed that when you like someone, it is OK to text.

Seeing as she was not answering eventually, I went down to see her, so basically arrived uninvited. She let me in and we had a good weekend chatting and she wouldn’t let me anywhere near her, wouldn’t let me smoke in her apartment anymore, as had been my privilege before.

Perhaps I should say that Carys had intimated to me that we’d get engaged, so in a way that fueled my will a lot more, and our relationship did not observe all the usual and gradual steps. She was not ready for me to put my whole life into hers, whilst I needed to and being a bit obstinate, was going to push for it.

We said goodbye that weekend and later we texted and then I started texting her too much again. She did not answer and then withdrew entirely from communicating. I carried-on and then one night I was a bit drunk and sexted her, though using metaphors about cats scratching, it was not altogether direct. She felt threatened and called the Police.

I got a call from the Police and stopped texting her. Then I went to see her a second time uninvited and saw her on her balcony, she was already on the phone to her friends to let them know. and did not let me in. At this point I should have realized that my behaviour was looking like a stalker’s, and fueled by my passion I was blind to this. Anyway, she called the Police again, I’d left the whereabouts of her flat, but I suppose they came along and eventually I got a call to say that they (The Police) wanted me to come down to see them about this, and they gave me a caution.

So eventually my future- wife comes along, and in these disturbed conditions, where really I was frazzled emotionally and felt bad and still in love with Carys, I took the path to marriage. Really I had no choice, but also my wife is a very good person, and we were having fun, and I felt like doing something out of the blue, just to shock myself out of the destructive dynamics with Carys, who for whatever reason would not yield to my advances.

Carys blogs too, so I know from what she writes that she feels something for me. But my marriage came to circumvent all the destruction that my unfruitful relationship with Carys was causing. I was perhaps caving-in psychologically from always being in touch with Carys via blogs, and perhaps chat, and then never moving forwards in my life to back this up.

So anyway, that is why I got married.

The current situation